Grandmother Worries Over Family
I live with my eldest son and his wife who have three young children. Last year, my son lost his job and has not been able to find a suitable position to be employed so far. My daughter-in-law is now the sole breadwinner of the home and has had to work late most days. This situation has caused a lot of tension at home and the couple has been having a lot of fights in front of the children. I am really worried for my grandchildren and I have tried to advise them to keep their arguments away from home. Unfortunately, the situation has not improved and now I feel my daughter-in-law behaves coldly towards me. Being a dependent in the family, I don’t know what I should do to help keep this young family together as the couple does not seem to trust each other any longer. What can I do?
What started as a loving extended family seems to have gone awry especially as the root cause of this sudden change of happiness and family relationships is finance. Now the breadwinner's sole responsibility has shifted from two to one. Hence, the mother has too much on her plate and is shouldering it all - working late and consequently, she is exhausted after a day's work on her returning home. The feeling that her three young children are being neglected when she returns home late certainly displeases her and upsets her. As a mother she wants to spend time with her three young children but now she cannot because of her long hours at work and exhaustion. Naturally we don't expect the mother with extra responsibilities to be in the same mood and frame of mind as before. This change in her temperament is natural. Encourage your son to continue looking for a job regardless of the salary. If he waits for the right kind of job it may drag on and he may never be employed in the same kind of post. He may become too lackadaisical and months and years may pass on and he may become idle and even lose his momentum of a working life. He may succumb to that easy life and find it difficult to get back to the workforce. Don’t forget more and more graduates with better skills are out there looking for jobs every year. To save the marriage and keep the family going and relationships strong, it will be better for the man to humble himself and accept a job of lower ranking as long as he is employed and can bring home some income for the family to help his wife. In any marriage, there are certainly going to be ups and downs - the good days and the bad ; and now the bad days are taking a toll on almost every member of this extended family. While your son is looking for employment, perhaps he can consider being a house husband during this season. It is no longer unusual to see many women being sole breadwinners in most homes today. He cannot expect her to work full-time and on her return, handle the kids and teach them and on top of it, be in a splendid mood. That is expecting too much from her. As for you, the mother-in-law, there is plenty you can do to assist her. First, understand the new role she is playing. See your daughter-in-law from a different angle. Be more understanding and loving. Your mood should be of cheer instead of finding fault and saying she is cold. It is indeed a challenging one - far from easy. Start by analysing her situation. Both you and your son can become more useful in doing the domestic chores and even handling the children so that she comes home to a hot meal where the house is in order and the laundry done. Imagine how it would be for her to return at the end of a hard day to a clean home with happy children who have been taught and homework done and all ready to spend the evening together as a happy family. It’s simply a change of roles until your son finds a job! As a mother-in-law, you have to be extra nice, less fault-finding and be helpful instead. When your daughter-in-law sees the home with a better ambience, she will once again be warm and caring and loving. Let her have more "me time" now that you are helping out with the household duties. That's how you can win her confidence and love back to your side. By shouldering some of her heavy burden, as a mother-in-law, you are helping the couple come to terms with their new roles. My last piece of advice to you as a mother-in-law is when she is in an unhealthy mood and is temperamental, you should keep low and cool. Do not interfere. Let her cool down. It is bad when both are enraged. When you are silent, she will cool down faster and realise how the situation has gone out of control. She will soon understand life is about compromise; give and take. On no account must your son take your side and find fault with her because it will add smoke to fire. Your son's coolness is very important. One talks the other listens. Be tender, caring, useful, understanding, ever willing to help out, and above all, remain cool!